Photo by Jocelyn Allen on Unsplash
Within military science fiction and military romance and military fantasy, and well everywhere, is the trope of a woman standing by her man with great understanding. She knows he has “Gone Through It” (Trademark) and quietly supports him through everything – whether him blowing up in anger or never expressing his softer feelings because of his trauma.
He never has to apologize.
She is a saint for this.
And yet … and yet. If the Understanding Woman makes a mistake or the Damaged Man misinterprets something, she must apologize and go through the obstacle course he puts in her way.
He never has to understand her, because she understands him. She gives everything.
I would like to see this trope start working its way out of our collective consciousness. It isn’t that those who stand between us and darkness shouldn’t get special treatment, but that the special treatment should be in the way of therapy, not the privilege of damaging their loved ones.
Special treatment should be in the way of therapy, not the privilege of damaging their loved ones.
Especially if the author is writing science fiction where the dream of amazing therapy is available.
It is time to do away with the martyrs on both sides of the damage. Adults need to apologize and work toward their healing, whether the Damaged Warrior or the Understanding Loving One.
No one should accept anger without an active change in behavior to prevent future woundings of the relationship. If you love someone, remember to say it, show it, share it, not just take it.
While not a toxic trope as yet, without changing with the times, the Unwavering Support is damaging both to those wounded and those supporting the walking wounded. One of the places we, as writers and editors, can help society is changing the dynamic of this trope by including in the Unwavering Support driving to therapy, supporting roleplay to relearn emotional skills, and setting up clear borders to develop a healthy relationship.