Tag: Write-Description

Editing Rant: Too Much Tell

Erin Penn

Photo by Jason Rosewell on Unsplash

Doing a book review for “Soothe the Savage Beast” anthology back in 2018, I broke down each of the stories about what I liked or didn’t like about them. Just one or two short sentences. On one of the short stories within the anthology, I made an editing comment:

In the Quest of the Beast by Jean Rabe – (Hey, the SCA showed up!) I didn’t like the ending because I know women SCAdians are a little more kickin’ than portrayed. Still, the Main Character was a young college student and not a fighter. Good, “safe” monster story. (For editors out there, this story has too much “tell” and that creates an emotional distance in the story.)

A reader contacted me on goodreads through the messaging available on the site: “What does too much “tell” mean?”

My response: 

Tell is when the author writes stuff like – “He said with anger.” instead of “He said, his hand in a fist with the knuckles turning white.” or “All his friends loved him.” instead of “When he arrived, Julie and Adams jumped up to greet him.” – Show is action, let the reader draw their own interpretation from items presented. Tell is a direct narrative, telling the reader things – including how to react. While both are needed, <they need to balance> – too much show can slow down a story, while too much tell keeps the reader from getting involved because they are not being drawn in mentally. 

The fellow reader got back to me:

Okay. I admit that the story with too much tell in it and it wasn’t super great either, but since Jean Rabe is the most famous writer in the book, well, it wouldn’t bother an editor at all. Between it and <another short story in the anthology> caused me to give it four stars instead of five. 

Take-aways. (1) Even more causal readers notice when someone breaks the “show, don’t tell” rule even if they can’t articulate it. (2) Doesn’t matter how famous you are or how great you have been in the past, poor writing habits are poor writing habits. They are easy to develop, especially when looming deadlines tidal wave across the desk one after another. Make sure to surround yourself with people who will keep you honest.

Editing Rant: White Box

Erin Penn

Photo by Muhammadtaha Ibrahim Ma’aji on Unsplash

Break the White Box (cut and paste from an editing letter)

Fantasy genre is rich in texture, color, scents, and tastes. As mentioned, the dialog lacks the fantasy texture when Ping-Pong (see 1/10/2023 post) is happening. In addition, often a scene opens with a passive “real-estate” description of the situation using only copula.

Pretend example

The ping-pong table was a lawn green, but the paddles were red rubber. The cement floor was softened by the rubber pad. The rubber pad saved the players’ knees when jumping around and was broad enough so they didn’t have to worry about running off of it. Flickering neon lights were headache inducing.

Instead

A lawn green ping-pong table made the red rubber paddles vibrate under the neon lights, a color combination the eyes revolted against seeing side-by-side. A very large rubber mat sat under the table to save the players’ knees from hopping around on the unforgiving cement floor.

Actual Editing Rant

Don’t do the real-estate description. It happens so often.

The house looks like this. Has this number of rooms. Good Gardens.

Immerse the reader in the situation, full sensory overload. Don’t just provide the grocery list of features.

Magical Words: The Tension of English

Erin Penn

In a Magical Words, Dr. Emily Leverett discussed Adjectivals (“Adjectival Part 1: pre-noun modifiers”, magicalwords.net, 7/28/2015 – http://www.magicalwords.net/really-i-mean-it/adjectivals-part-1-pre-noun-modifiers/)- the adjectives, nouns, and participles which make a noun pop. Think of a normal, unmodified noun as a white box and the adjectivals expanding the setting with actual description. The white box becomes a vibrant, rainbow carpeted box.

During the article, she mentions how English creates tension. Many languages put the noun or verb right out there at the start, then add all the modifiers after, filling in the world. Like a white box dialog getting all the setting description later in the editing process. But in English, words may be going for a while before you even know what is being described, and then you might need to wait a little more before the noun gets verb-ed into action.

Is that constant “wait for it” adding to the tension found in English cultures?

(Photo by Casey Horner on Unsplash)

Other Cool Blogs: Magical Words – Five Senses (F is for Five)

Erin Penn

Photo by Solstice Hannan on Unsplash

F is for Five Senses – Sight/Color, Hearing/Sound, Smell/Scent, Taste/Flavor, Touch/Texture & Temperature

I often talk “white box” writing. Drafting out a story, authors write quickly, getting dialog and thoughts on paper, moving from scene to scene until done. Then the author needs to go back and flesh out everything on the second pass – getting rid of the white box the characters are acting in.

Bringing the bigger world to life through the environment surrounding the story is one of my weaknesses. When I read novels and see all the layers people put in, I realize I must learn to do this better, integrate the action and dialog with the setting and world.

Humans have five senses to investigate the world (with some valid arguments of smell and taste being the same sense AND touch should be broken out to temperature and texture/pressure as these are reported to brain differently – but let’s stick to the five senses of school). Humans really depend on sight, so this is the go-to when expanding writing. What color things are, how bright the light is, how far can you see, what people are wearing, what is in the room. All the things the characters can see.

Hearing, the second most important sense to humans, comes second. Loud noise, soft whispers, scraps, ticks, hums, bangs. If the characters are eating, the readers might get a taste of the food – though smell is used more often.

Touch is usually only mentioned in romances. Maybe in a fight scene when being punched.

Faith Hunter did a three-blog series on using the five senses in writing during 2011. She skipped sight because everyone has a fairly good understanding on how to approach the technicolor world.

4/13/2011 – Part 1: Hearing and Sound –

4/19/2011 – Part 2: Scent and Smell –

6/1/2011 – Part 3 & 4: Taste and Touch –https://www.magicalwords.net/faith-hunter/how-to-write-description-part-3-and-4/

 

WRITING EXERCISE: Carry a small notebook for three days. When something hits one of your senses, record it. The voice recorder app on your phone can also work. Transcript the results to a folder used to remind you of things to keep in mind when doing the second draft. Maybe even use some of the descriptions you created in your current Work-in-Progress (WIP).

Geeking Science: Touch

Erin Penn

Touch.

Essential to writing fiction. The light touch of a lover. The pain of a punch. The bitter cold of the wind. The tickle of fur. The pressure of holding a magic orb.

Did you know that while we put “touch” as one big bucket, it actually is a huge network of different sensors with different jobs? Location, movement, temperature, pressure, texture. Some of the sensors are set up to register changes and others report back constantly. For example, have you ever forgotten you were holding something? That would be the sensors set up to register changes recorded the picking up of the item, but after a while, with no further change, stops reminding the brain you are holding something.

To find out more about touch, here are three short videos.

 2 Minute Neuroscience: Touch Receptors (10/21/2019 from Neuroscientifically Challenged)


 


 

Dr Mike’s Video – I did not know that pain and touch take two different routes up the spinal cord.