Editing Rant: White Box

Photo by Muhammadtaha Ibrahim Ma’aji on Unsplash

Break the White Box (cut and paste from an editing letter)

Fantasy genre is rich in texture, color, scents, and tastes. As mentioned, the dialog lacks the fantasy texture when Ping-Pong (see 1/10/2023 post) is happening. In addition, often a scene opens with a passive “real-estate” description of the situation using only copula.

Pretend example

The ping-pong table was a lawn green, but the paddles were red rubber. The cement floor was softened by the rubber pad. The rubber pad saved the players’ knees when jumping around and was broad enough so they didn’t have to worry about running off of it. Flickering neon lights were headache inducing.

Instead

A lawn green ping-pong table made the red rubber paddles vibrate under the neon lights, a color combination the eyes revolted against seeing side-by-side. A very large rubber mat sat under the table to save the players’ knees from hopping around on the unforgiving cement floor.

Actual Editing Rant

Don’t do the real-estate description. It happens so often.

The house looks like this. Has this number of rooms. Good Gardens.

Immerse the reader in the situation, full sensory overload. Don’t just provide the grocery list of features.

Flash: Performance Anxiety

Image by Erik McClean on Unsplash

“Behold two houses, alike in dignity.” The Performer hovered midair, holding his victims inches above the asphalt on the lowest level of the car port. “That is to say, they have none. So hero, which one will you rescue, your sister or your wife?”

(words 44; first published 11/30/2023 – created based on a visual prompt for a Facebook writer’s group, aim is about 50 words)

Flash: The Ancient Vitz Tree 2

Photo by Ivan Diaz on Unsplash

With fruit juices running down his face, Sharles joined Damonia in the shade of one of the Vitz tree’s children. She curled her hand around the watch, tucking it into her skirts. He collapsed backwards onto the moss and leaves.”That is the best fruit ever.”

Damonia nodded, then realized he had his eyes closed for daydreaming, she stammered a nonsense reply, “So juicy.”

“I know, right?” Sharles rolled over on his side to smile at her, opening his bark brown eyes. “The mix of sweet and sour is perfect, a bite of bitter when you get to the core. I’m not going to eat ever again.” He ran his tongue around his face, getting the last of the sticky juices.

Damonia laughed at his antics. “Until the Vitz day feast is served at sunset.”

“There is that.” Rolling back on his back, he rubbed his flat stomach. “I feel full right now. Not stuffed, just satisfied. No cravings for squirrel or snap-vines. No cravings, wants, or wishes.”

Sharles had been a well without bottom since he started shooting up three winters ago, going from the shortest in their age group to taller than most of the adults in the village and he was still growing. Damonia was one of the people shoving food at him, smuggling in extra snap-vines from her forest walks with the herbal women. The limited communal dinners portioned out by the Imman Priests from the capital would have left him skin and bones. Some days Damonia was grateful for her small stature, though most days she envied the clown’s stretched height.

“What about a kiss from Quessing?”

Sharles head snapped sideways. “Shh. She’ll hear you.”

“Nah, she is stuck on the child side of the tree for another year.” Damonia rubbed a thumb over the leaves engraved along the edges of the watch. “Sucks for you. No more kisses until she is fruited.”

Her friend leaned his head back. “Thirteen months. Then we can get married.”

“Oh, you asked?” The new adult raised her eyebrows.

A blush took both of Sharles cheeks. “Yes,” he muttered quietly, “last week when the Priests left after harvest with the taxes.”

Robins dropped into their shade joining them, the slight shine of eaten fruit decorating her cheeks. “What happened last week?”

“Sharles and Quessing promised.” Damonia reported.

Standing over his sister draped against the raised roots of the Vitz, Hickory nodded at Sharles. “Congratulations.” His right hand stroked the green-handle of the leaf-engraved machete he received five years ago from the Ancient Vitz Tree, something he kept hidden from the priests. He always looked lost during the farming season, his hand reaching for the empty space on his belt, just as lost as Council Froszen and Minister Grey did when they hid their Vitz gifts.

The modern Imman religion brought in when the Empire annexed the Forest Realm thirty years ago did not approve of alternative gods, especially trees treated as gods. Only the magic stored within the Vtiz fruit held their hand from burning the milimum old orchard to the ground. Instead they sent out soldiers, because the priesthood and the army were one and the same to the Holy Emperor and his Sacred Governor Heirs, to watch over the towns with Vitz tree groves, and every single fruit harvested from those groves were transported to the Forest Realm’s capital and then sent out to the wizard enclaves of the Empire.

Silly soldiers thought the Vitz trees were limited to seasons like normal trees, but the Ancient mothers only heeded the cycle of seasons when they wanted to. Even the decades old Vitz tree the new adults were sheltering under could drop a fruit into Damonia’s lap if she asked it to, one or two nut brown fruits hiding among the leaves above them waiting for a need could be brought to bright green and gold ripeness in an instant.

Hickory’s eyes narrowed as he observed the collapsed new adults throughout the town, many visiting from the nearby villages for the Elder tree ceremony, and her careful braced sitting against the tree. “Damonia?” his voice rose in a question.

Her eyes snapped up. He observed her clean face. “Did you …” Hickory cut his words short at the fear in her eyes. Is that what he looked like holding the machete two years ago? He had seen a small round object land in her hands and assumed she was going to have a normal life. Healthier than most thanks to the Ancient’s gift of a golden fruit, but normal.

Only two others in the town had special fruit, nearly twenty years apart. The Mayor’s rope and Council’s cane served them well over the decades. Hickory had learned there were others, but the gifts come with questions and quests, and the quests they went on … well, few returned. Loners usually, rarely missed by the grove. A seed sent out to protect the forest.

But the two of them, Damonia and him, getting their gifts so close together was practically unheard of. She was the more quiet of the two of them, but still, he wouldn’t characterize her as a loner.

He walked over to her and reached out his arm to her. “Come on.”

She stared at it like it was a snake-thorn vine, and she was debating how to puck the leaves safely. Sighing, she grasped it and let him pull her up.

Standing close together, he looked down at the diminutive adult. “Show me.” he whispered.

She opened her hand to reveal a beautiful watch, their bodies hiding the artifact from anyone nearby.

Metal. Like his gift. That means a quest. Always.

He hadn’t felt the need to leave. He hadn’t had a direction. According to the histories the gifted adults kept, the drive to go on a quest could take years to arrive. He hoped to stretch that out to never; he wasn’t the change-the-world type. Now, with this, he knew better. Because Damonia could change the world if she put her mind to it. She just needed someone at her back.

“Ungood,” he muttered.

“I know,” she responded, “and it’s vibrating now. I think it’s time.”

(words 1,031, first published 3/4/2023)

The Ancient Vitz Tree Series
The Ancient Vitz Tree (4/26/2020)
The Ancient Vitz Tree 2 (2/5/2023)

Flash: Split Checks

Photo by Raphael Renter on Unsplash

“Splitting Image?” I said as I stepped out of my car, looking at the mirror-image neon sign above the restaurant entrance.

Katie smiled at me, making my heart skip a beat, half in fear and half in hope. “You said you wanted to go outside the normal. The place is owned by identical twin sisters and they hire twins and look-similar siblings whenever possible.”

I rubbed my left arm with my right hand after shouldering my purse. “Sounds interesting.”

“Great food and some cool twists on its theme.” She strode across the aisle of the parking lot filled with small cars and minivans with me in her wake. Katie arrived at the entrance first and opened the door for me. I ducked my head and smiled thanks, still unsure about all the protocols.“You’ll love it.”

We’ve eaten enough together as co-workers when the gang of us decompressed after work, she knew my tastes, so I trusted her about that. The inside of the restaurant had a series of columns down the center, and everything mirrored across except the seated patrons. Green carpet, matching booths and tables, light fixtures. The back wall, behind the low partition hiding the server drink station, was an engraved mirror of three swans, two larger ones and one baby, either side of the final column in the room swimming toward each other, with reflections in the rippling water beneath.

The hostess led us to a booth matching an already seated booth with two people on the other side, bringing the patrons back into balance and making me chuckle. Accepting the menu, I asked the woman a burning question, “What happens when parties don’t match?”

Katie facepalmed, but a laugh escaped her as well.

“Well, we seat a new party in the area of their choice,” the woman handed Katie her menu after my date took her hand away from her face, “and if the incoming party doesn’t want to sit at the next appropriate table, well, we make them wait.”

“No,” Katie said surprised, “really?”

“Absolutely, you eat here, you play by my rules.” The woman nodded to the menus. “What would you like to drink?”

“Water for me.” I said.

“Draft beer for me.” Katie picked the plastic holder tucked against the wall and pointed at her favorite on the alcohol list. “I’m not driving.” She looked across at me. “Let me tell you, I’m really liking that.”

“Well, um,” I blushed, stammering. “You’re paying, it’s only fair.”

“I make more,” my younger co-worker stated firmly. “And I asked you out.”

I nod. “Yes, thanks.”

“Do you know what you want to eat, ladies?” our hostess asked.

Katie jumped in, being familiar with the menu. “I’ll have the Apollo Sunshine side salad, hold the peanuts but add extra cranberries if possible.”

“Not a problem.”

“And for the entrée, I’ll have Esau’s wild game stew, split serving.”

“Paper or plastic?”

“The plastic please, the stew doesn’t work well in the paper.”

The hostess grimaced. “Yeah, we are still working finding the right products at reasonable prices for everything.”

“What is the difference between twin and split serving? They have the same price.” I ask, struggling with the unusual size listings on the menu.

“Onsie is an appropriate meal size according to the normal calories an adult male needs each day.” The hostess said. “Twin and split serving are the size serving most Americans expect to get, which is about three times what a person needs, especially a female. Twin brings it out all at once, while split puts half into a bag for you to take home. We deliver the split to you at the end of your meal. Double the meals, double the fun.”

“That sounds … smart.” I glance at my date. “I guess I should order a single, um, onsie.”

“Don’t you dare, girlfriend!” Katie explained. “The food is totally worth a couple days. Half the dishes are even better as leftovers.”

“But, I mean…”

My co-worker narrowed her eyes at me.

“um… what is a good dish?” my voice raised high at the end of the question, more asking if the question would get me out of the dog house than asking the question.

Katie smiled and nodded approval.

“We serve sandwiches, stews, salads, and steaks of various meats.” The hostess gestured at the menu. “If you flip it over, you can find out pasta and seafood list that is available on weekends. Our chalkboard has today’s specials; my personal favorite is the Artemis. Now, if you excuse me, I’ll get your drinks in while you think.” She walked back to the main station, where a party of four just came in.

The Artemis wasn’t on the menu, but I always liked the moon twin as the Virgin protector, so I tilted my head toward the chalkboard and Katie quickly got out of her side of the booth and offered a hand to help me stand. At fifty, my knees have started protesting my long life. I can walk fine and sit fine, but the transition the two states raised protests.

“Thank you.” I said to the thirty-four year old, wondering again why she even was interested in me. A hot shot at work, she already soared beyond me, though not in my management structure, thank the universe for small blessings. Me, I’ve always done well, meeting all requirements, but soaring wasn’t my thing. I like my little world of accounting and human resources, keeping everything moving smoothly for our coworkers.

Her hand remained on my elbow as she guided me to the chalkboard. While the Artemis looked tasty with the choice of game and greens with a moon pie finish, the Pepper & Salt ended up being my choice. I let the hostess know before we made our way back to our table.

“That’s the owner, or one of them, right?” I asked as we sat.

“Yes, the other is the weekday cook.” Katie unwrapped her napkin and utensils. “Denise is the seafood cook and takes over the back on weekends, leaving Deborah in the front. You can tell the difference because Debbie loves to chalk her hair when she isn’t cooking.”

“However did you find this place? It’s new, right?” Oh dear, I dropped into interview mode. Shake it off before I ‘right’ myself out the door.

“They’ve been open for about three months.” Katie leaned back as one of the waitresses set her beer on the table, then my water. The waitress’ twin delivered food to the couple who arrived before us. “I hate cooking for myself. So I’m always trying to find good places. The split option makes this the perfect place.”

“So long as you remember to eat the leftovers.” I added a teasing lilt to my tone, having seen the carnage Katie and the other coworkers leave in the breakroom’s refrigerator beside my carefully labeled bag lunch.

“There is that,” she smirked at me. “But so far, not a single one of these leftovers hit the round bin. They are too good to miss.”

“Now that is a testament.” I responded. “Last time I cleaned out the fridge, you won the most abandoned meals with six.”

“Oh god,” Katie laughed loud enough people turned their heads toward us, making me scoot down a little. “You actually counted?”

I nodded small and whispered, “of course.”

“Of course.” Katie reached across the table to grab my twisting hands. “Of course,” she said softer. “You are amazing. You know that, right?”

I look at our joined hands and shook my head a little side to side.

“Well, you are. Beautiful, bright and amazing.” Katie squeezed my hands before releasing them. “So together about everything, I stand in awe. I mean, I’ve never been in a cleaner car in my life.”

A sound similar to a laugh escaped me as I sat a little higher. “Thank you?”

“No really. The way you decorate the entrance for every holiday. The way you reach out for birthdays and anniversaries.” Katie’s hands started waving, indicating our main office, the little cards I made sure everyone got. “You hold the office together.”

“It’s my job.” I shrug. “It’s what HR does.”

She shook her head firmly. “Not in my experience, and I worked a lot of places before I landed here. You are really good at your job.”

“Thank you.” I ducked my chin down.

Katie paused, her face getting serious under her blond “Karen” bob. “Are you uncomfortable?”

“No.” I rock my head a little. “I … the temperature is fine.”

“No, no.” Katie inhaled, before waving her hand around and explaining. “With this, the date.”

“Oh, no.” The words rushed out. “I’m fine with the date.”

“You seem uncomfortable, and I know you don’t date much.”

“I don’t date at all, not since I got divorced.” I scrunch my nose. “I’m not sure I dated before then. What…” I knock off the count in my head. “three dates in my life, counting this one. Patrick took me to the prom and he took me out the night he asked to marry me.”

“You’re fucking kidding me.” My date’s brown eyes grew round. “He never took you anywhere?”

“No, we are … were, he died two years ago, both homebodies.” I move my silverware to one side as I see our waitress approach.

“But you are okay with this.” Katie waved her hand back and forth between us. “Dating a woman? Dating me?”

“I guess … no, let me state that more clearly.” I smiled bright at her, but paused until the waitress put Katie’s salad in front of her and my sweet-and-sour soup in front of me and returned us to our privacy. “I am very, very happy you asked me out. I never would have had the guts, and you are amazing.”

“The lesbian thing is okay?”

I laugh, stirring the soup to cool it down, letting my eyes fall to it. “Yeah. I’ve always … well, I think … I like women.”

“More than men?” she pressed, spearing an orange slice.

“Oh definitely. So much more than men.” My smile grew crooked. “But, you know, that isn’t expected, and I…” my voice lowered and took a bitter edge, “I do what is expected. I didn’t want to disappoint my parents.”

“Hard-line Christians?”

“Yes. But even more than that,” I try the soup. The sour made my mouth pucker before the sweet teased the edges. “Dad had expectations.”

“Parents always do.” Katie moved the remains of her salad into a smaller pile, the cranberries gleaming in the twin-berry vinaigrette. “Are they going to have a problem if we become friends?”

I sighed. “No, Dad died five years ago and Mom passed before him. It’s why I could get a divorce.”

“Oh.” Katie concentrated on shoveling in the last bits while I had my soup.

Finally, I couldn’t take the silence. “I’m just not as brave as you.”

Katie negated the statement with a wave of her hand. “I have two older brothers who are giving my parents lots of grandkids, and I’m the beloved baby. They breathed a sigh of relief when I officially came out, as I stopped all the teenage angst bullshit once I knew I had my family support. You can take on the world when you got a loving, understanding family at your back.”

I laughed softly. “Would have been nice.”

“Yeah, it is.” Katie nodded. “The fact you are willing to risk it. To break your habits. Wow.”

I pushed the half-finished soup away. I picked up my napkin and pressed it gently against my lips, checking to make sure I didn’t rub too much lipstick off. Finally, my brain came back with an appropriate response to her compliments. I pulled together my insecurities and mashed them down before looking her right in her baby browns. “You are work the risk.”

“Wow.” The blond blushed, the heat rising from her lowcut jacket to the roots of her frosted hair. “You don’t fool around when you give out pretty words.”

“I’m not kidding.”

She reached a hand across the table. “I know.”

“Even if this,” I squeeze her hand, “doesn’t go anywhere. Thank you for reminding me, making me see, I can go after my dreams again.”

She squeezed back.

I think we both lost track of time, certainly of the room, because the next thing I heard was the waitress clearing her throat. We looked over to find her and her twin there with our main entrees. We dropped our hands and pulled them back, leaving the table clear for the food. Her split-serving of the Essau soup gave off a rich meaty smell; my salt-and-pepper steaks-and-eggplant pairing, half-sized with the other half to take home packed away in the back, sizzled on the metal platter.

(words 2,140; first published 1/29/2023)

Flash: Calm

Photo by Hisu lee on Unsplash

Hear the sounds. The drip of the evening dew off the leaves. The chirps of the listen-ins. The hiss of the steams in the surrounding hot springs. Let your mind drift.

Your arms have disconnected from your body. Your legs float in the cosmos. You are one with the stars.

Smell the scents. The light salt of the water. The sweet of the cherry-bite trees along the edge of the spring. The sharp of the gathering ozone of morning. Clear your mind of everything.

Breath in slowly. Inhale space. Fill your lungs with nothing.

Hold, let the worries and cares cross into the vacuum.

Breath out slowly. Release your old life. Forget.

All there is left in the waters is who you should be.

The mantra continued to be vibrated directly into Fhergus’ inner ear. Some people swore by this nonsense, he just needed to bring his brain cycles into a calm enough state to pass the psych-evals. Come on, calm faster!

(words 162 – first published 10/3/2022 – from a picture prompt for a Facebook writing group. Aim is about 50 words)