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Editing Rant: Beginnings

Determining the proper place to start the story...

Image acquired without permission from Castlegate Press 2014 posting

The image above is from a post by Suzanne Hartmann, one of the co-founders of Castlegate Press, for a July 6, 2014 posting entitled “Where Does the Story Start?”. (Castlegate closed in 2018, all links are now defunct <sad face>)

Starting a Story

One of the toughest parts of writing is figuring where your story starts. When initially writing, just write it out because often you don’t know where the story will start until you know where it ends and what happens inbetween.

Then come back to the beginning. The common agreement in 2016 is the story should start when the main character’s life begins to change. That rarely is when they are waking up or walking through a door – usually it is something like “The front door no longer had a doornob.” …

Some famous opening lines include:

Lord of the Rings “When Mr. Bilbo Baggins of Bag End announced that he would shortly be celebrating his eleventy first birthday with a party of special magnificence, there was much talk and excitement in Hobbiton.”

Pride and Prejudice “It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.”

The Stranger ” Mother died today.”

Metamorphosis “As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a gigantic insect.”

***

So a romance book I was editing started with three pages of exposition, describing the hero of the romance (the Point-of-View (POV)/narrator) leaving home, finding an apartment, finding a roomie, job hunting, and interviewing. Eventually we reach the point of the hero meeting his two possible love interests on a bus.

While his life was undergoing massive changes from the moment he left home until he got on the bus and met the love interests, none of that had anything to do with the plot. It was background. The job hunting, which took an entire page, ended with “I sat down, and he hired me.” (Actually it was “I sat down, and hired me” … but that is a different editing rant entirely.) The job is never mentioned again. The roomie is mentioned once, as a ride to the party and could have easily been included at the time of getting the ride. In fact two pages are dedicated to it when the ride is given because the roomie took his time getting ready. The parents are never mentioned except to leave home.

Half of the first chapter, close to 2,000 words, needed to be chopped. Nothing in those pages had ANY impact on the plot, romance, or character development. Maybe the job interview could have shown something about the hero’s character, but it was only “I sat down, and he hired me.” after the page of dead-end job hunting. At only 20,000 words this chop was a huge hit to the manuscript. (The first 10% of the length – this percentage is important so keep it in mind as we continue.)

And the manuscript should have never gotten to me in that form. One of content editing’s job is to define where the story starts, not line editing. All of that should have been decided long before it hit my desk. I should note this book was PREVIOUSLY self-published and I was reading it in relation to a reprint. So this story was already out there in the sales world and the author was wondering why he was getting no sales when he contacted me.

The reason? The romance story did not start with the romance, but a long backstory reading like a coming-of-age story – readers reviewing the 10% sample on Amazon received a false impression. Chuck the first part of the manuscript and have the beginning of the romance at the beginning of the story and suddenly readers know they have an interesting story with two possible love interests. Who is our hero going to end up with and is the romance going to break the friendship between the women? Much more interesting than a dead-end apartment with a dead-end job after leaving home and taking a couple of classes at the community college to get ahead.

Remember the start of the story is what most readers are seeing when trying to decide to put out their hard-earned money. Start the story when life gets interesting for the character.

A couple genre examples: For quest fantasy, start with why the character is willing to go on a quest. For military sci-fi, why the character is going to join the military. What had made the character’s life go off the rails so they are open to change?

Well, that is the editing rant about beginnings.

WRITING EXERCISE: For your work in-progress (WIP), review and see if the book would feel different if you add another chapter in front adding the day before to your story – then see what would happen if you just eliminate the first chapter. How would these changes impact your story?

READING EXERCISE: Have you ever read a book which seemed to start in the wrong place and you felt the first chapter or two were fillers? How about a book where you struggled through the first chapter not sure what is happening because not enough information was given i.e. the story started too late and you didn’t get time to be introduced to the changes?

Flash: Provisionally

Pink Rose Petals Stock Photo

Photo by gt_pann, FreeDigitialPhotos.net

Rating: Mature

“Honey, why are you home so early?” the words drifted through the house. The stairs creaked as she went upstairs. Opening a door, Cheryl stopped midway through having discovered Joe on the bed.

His upper torso was bare, and the lower half of his body neatly covered by a folded and tucked blanket. His arms were stretched above him. Scattered around him was rose petals.

“What on earth are you doing?” she asked.

“Apologizing” said the contrite man. Cheryl’s lips twitched.

“Really?” She dropped her purse on the dresser. “Having sex seems to be more a reward to you, not an apology to me.”

“You say I never let you have control.” He rattled the handcuffs attached to the scroll metal headboard. “You have it.”

“Oh, my.” She couldn’t keep a grin from spreading across her face. She was quite cross with him, but the combination of romance and humor was chipping away at the peeve.  “And just where is the key?”

He nodded to the nightstand, out of his reach. Beside the key was a sweating bottle of champagne, carefully placed on a doily. Points for finding the doilies.

“So you can’t escape without my help.” A teasing warmth edged into her voice.

Fright flickered in his eyes a second. “Yes dear. …. I totally have trust in you.”

She started unbuttoning her shirt. “And you can’t get out of that bed at all.”

“No, you will have to do everything.” Joe’s eyes watched hungrily as Cheryl shimmied out of her slacks and department store underwear.

She climbed on the bed in a kneeling position and slowly knee-walked up his body, taking a little extra time to drag her clit over the tenting blanket. Settling herself over his penis, she reached behind her back and released her bra. Cheryl fell forward to land on her hands, with a nipple hovering inches away from Joe’s mouth. “Oh, I don’t plan to do much. You haven’t properly sucked my breasts since we started having sex. Start making up for lost time.”

Joe moved his head up and his tongue flicked over tip before him. The stimulus made her moan and lean further forward – placing the entire nipple within reach. He inhaled, drawing the areola fully into his mouth. He suckled and swirled his tongue around the sensitive area. Her hips started shifting back and forth, trying to get her pussy closer to his hardening cock.

Suddenly she reared back and panted a couple of seconds. His eyes watched her as she got herself under control. Joe bucked a couple of time to indicate what he would like to do next.

A self-assured smile took over the woman’s face as she ground down until the man stopped moving. “Other side.” She directed as she fell forward again, her generous right breast falling within reach.

He licked and suckled. Releasing the nipple, he blew cool air across the flesh then drew the tit back in. Back and forth between the two breasts he went, while the blanket separating the nether parts dampened with her arousal. Her grinding hips eventually moved the cloth below his cock.

“What the?” she asked looking down. A necklace had been draped loosely around his penis – now not as loose as when originally placed there. She wiggled down to rest her ass his knees to get a better look.

After rediscovering multi-syllable words, Joe explained “Your present. Thought you would unwrap it sooner.”

She unwound the gold chain until the butterfly charm made of gemstones rested in her palm. “It’s beautiful.”

She lifted her arms to hook the necklace behind her nape, displaying her aroused breasts proudly. Rubbing her weeping slit up his leg, she crawled until she was face to face with Joe. The necklace brushed his chin. Staring into his eyes, she reached behind, grabbing his dick, and slowly back down again until he was lodged within her channel. She pushed herself up; her slickness sliding her completely down so her asscheeks rested on his balls. Cheryl then raised herself up on her knees and lowered herself again.

Again and again, until her entire body was jiggling. A scream escaped Cheryl and she collapsed onto Joe’s chest. The random squeezes of her vagina kept Joe hard, but didn’t push him over the edge as Cheryl’s breathing returned to normal. Rolling over to one side, Cheryl’s hand started drifting over Joe’s chest and abs.

“So, presents, flowers, champagne and sex. When’s dinner?”

“Reservations at Andina’s tomorrow. Sorry but my mom couldn’t take the kids tonight.” Joe looked hopeful. “So I am forgiven for forgetting our anniversary was Tuesday?”

Turning to get the key from the nightstand, Cheryl answered “Provisionally.” She unlocked the handcuffs, but immediately closed them around his left wrist and the headboard again, leaving only his right hand free. “Let’s see how tomorrow goes.”

She put the key back in its place. “In the meantime, you need to kiss my ass some more.” Presenting the ass she wanted to be kissed. The maneuver crushed some of the rose petals, releasing a light perfume.

(words 848 – first publication 12/19/2012; republished in new format on 2/7/2016) 

Other Cool Blogs: Magical Words January 26, 2016

This week’s “other cool blogs” is another Magical Words author. You may know him as D.B. Jackson of the Thieftaker series (historical urban fantasy) or as David B. Coe  of Blood of the Southlands series. Either way the man writes some pretty amazing stuff, all character driven. And he obsesses about POV. Stories are viewed by the reader from the narrator’s Point of View (POV); usually the POV character is the hero or heroine of the book in genre fiction.

The January 26, 2016 blog, The Power of Secrets, is about … secrets (shhhh). Read the blog – link here: http://www.magicalwords.net/david-b-coe/quick-tip-tuesday-the-power-of-secrets/ 

WRITING EXERCISE: Create a secret for your present WIP.

For Honestly, Troy, the hero, has a lot of secrets. Some get revealed in the story, some get only partially revealed, and some never are shown but are driving him.

The most obvious of the revealed secrets is his amputee. Initially he hides everything under clothes and mannerisms. As he gets to know Kassandra, he shows more and more of this weakness.

The partially revealed secret is his present government work. He does translations. But for whom and why? … and what is he translating?

A secret I never shared with the reader since the POV character, Kassandra, did not learn about it during the story is how Troy’s mother died. Yet the secret drove him to quit school and join the military and even now drives several of his decisions. The reason he won’t let the pain control him lies with what happened to his mother.

YOUR TURN
If you are a writer, what secret does your characters have and how does it shape them? Are you going to reveal this to your audience or keep it a secret.

If you are a reader, what is a secret in a recent story you read? How did it drive the plot?

Book Review: The Mussorgsky Riddle

Book cover from Amazon

BOOK BLURB ON AMAZON
The Mussorgsky Riddle by Darin Kennedy

Psychic Mira Tejedor possesses unique talents that enable her to find anything and anyone, but now she must find a comatose boy wandering lost inside the labyrinth of his own mind. Thirteen-year-old Anthony Faircloth hasn’t spoken a word in almost a month and with each passing day, his near catatonic state worsens. No doctor, test, or scan can tell Anthony’s distraught mother what has happened to her already troubled son. In desperation, she turns to Mira for answers, hoping her unique abilities might succeed where science has failed.

At their first encounter, Mira is pulled into Anthony’s mind and finds the child’s psyche shattered into the various movements of Modest Mussorgsky’s classical music suite, Pictures at an Exhibition. As she navigates this magical dreamscape drawn from Anthony’s twin loves of Russian composers and classical mythology, Mira must contend with gnomes, troubadours, and witches in her search for the truth behind Anthony’s mysterious malady.

The real world, however, holds its own dangers. The onset of Anthony’s condition coincides with the disappearance of his older brother’s girlfriend, a missing persons case that threatens to tear the city apart. Mira discovers that in order to save Anthony, she will have to catch a murderer who will stop at nothing to keep the secrets contained in Anthony’s unique mind from ever seeing the light.

 

MY REVIEW
I am a worldbuilding whore. I want a world as layered as an orchestral movement, as nuanced as a master painting, one that twists and turns and takes you away from the here and now to another world. One you can touch, hear, smell, feel. The Mussorgsky Riddle is one of these books.

Falling into the imprecise category of Urban Fantasy or maybe Paranormal Suspense, the story follows a psychic as she journeys through the mind of a boy trying to find the identity of a killer. But is so much more than that.

The complicated parallel Mr. Kennedy made between Pictures at an Exhibition, both the music and the original inspiring paintings is amazing. And this was just his Debut Novel; if his next is half as good, he has a reader for life.

He is presently in edits of the second book, this one centered around a ballet.

Flash: Is the Sky Blue?

Photo: Person against Night Sky

Unsplash provided by photograph Greg Rakozy

“Is it possible?” Gary asked, standing in the cubicle entrance, laying his hands on either post so he spanned the opening like a door or barricade.

Eugene stared at his computer screen, struggling to find the appropriate words to answer. Internally, he felt shaking from the constant stress start again. “Well, with the deadlines and personnel available–”

“I asked you a yes or no question,” his boss and company owner gritted out. “Why do you always make it complicated? I want this done. The client, one of our best, wants this. Your job is to make it done. Understood?”

Gripping his hands under the desk, Eugene froze his face before turning toward Gary Bergerson, “Yes, sir.”

“Great, I want to see the budget on my desk by three so I can present the numbers to Naylor Holdings tonight.”

“Yes, sir.” Eugene responded, mentally canceling his lunch and two other urgent tasks in his head for people other than the owner. As soon as Gary walked away, he called the beta team supervisor and the accounting manager to rearrange meetings.

He had the printout on Gary’s desk five minutes before three. It would have been faster to email it, but the owner hated email, insisting on the personal touch. Privately Eugene wondered if the boss had dyslexia since he refused to read anything longer than a few sentences. Eugene had been reprimanded several times with, “I need the bottom line, not explanations.”

“What the hell are these numbers?”

Eugene’s developing ulcer, which worsened whenever he skipped meals, twisted at the explosion. He squeezed his hands to control the shaking. “The budget you requested for Naylor Holdings, sir.”

“Are you kidding me? They just want a small tweak to our basic program. It shouldn’t take longer than a couple weeks at best!” Gary roared.

“Sir, the change is hardly small. At least 200 lines of code will need changing. Then program will need to be tested. And they have backward compatibility built into their contract–”

Gary interrupted. “Twelve weeks? They need it in four.”

“I understand the time frame sir, which is why I made two budgets. The first was least cost scenario since you were doing this as a favor.” Eugene gestured to the report, and Gary started turning pages. “If you look at the second budget, that includes rearranging personnel from other projects–”

“And we lose the early finish bonus on the Birt contract. What the fuck? Getting it done in three weeks basically will cost us a year’s profit? You told me this was possible.”

“Sir, as I tried to explain earlier, our personnel are stretched at the–”

“You know Rando, I am tired of your bullshit. You are fired.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Get the fuck out of my office.”

“Yes, sir.”

Hands still shaking, Eugene walked out thinking, Well that wasn’t so bad. He nodded to Gary’s secretary, then stopped a second. “Could you ask Mike to meet me my desk immediately?”

“Certainly Mr. Rando, what shall I tell him it is about?” The immaculate secretary pushed a button, turning on her hands-free phone.

“It’s a security concern. Tell him it would be good if he got there before me.”

Mike was still huffing when Eugene strolled into his cubicle where he had been managing the three programming teams and the quality testing department, forty people in all. Only the owner and his brother-in-law, the head of sales, rated rooms with doors.

“What’s up, Gene?”

“I’ve been fired and thought you would like to see me pack up.” Eugene put down the empty box he picked up when he passed the copier on his way back.

“Fuck, and congratulations.” Mike shook his head. Programming, accounting, and security were at odds with sales, and they all hated being there since the original owner had retired and passed on the company to his youngest son two years ago but the economy meant the resumees most of the managers have been sending out hadn’t received much in the way of response. The Director of Human Resources was the most recent to successfully jump ship, but then Gary treated all of the women on the management team like crap, so she was willing to take a pay cut to switch companies. “He hasn’t even called me, and he let you walk around unescorted?”

“Yep. Guess he didn’t pay attention during the discussion we had after Angeline left?” Angeline had been the HR Director. At that time Programming and Security had sat down with all the managers to develop an exit strategy procedure. Requiring escort, locking out passwords and user names, and collecting equipment all had been covered. HR could have done a lot of damage with access to wipe out all payroll and personnel records. And that scenario didn’t come close to what Eugene could do since he had overseen the programming of all the security measures. And unlike Angeline, he had been actually fired instead of resigned.

***

“You’re home early.” Jordan gave Eugene a quick kiss on the cheek when she came into the kitchen where he was washing dishes. The clock only showed six; usually Eugene pulled twelve-hour days plus a commute, leaving home at six am and getting home often after nine.

Eugene nodded, his face still frozen from the morning argument and his voice deadened. “Got fired today, so thought I would make lasagna. Should be ready to come out in another hour.”

“Oh, honey.”

“I’m okay.” He said, scrubbing the saucepan. “Really.”

“No, you are not.” His girlfriend stated, putting her hands over his in the suds. “Let that soak.” She pushed gently on his hands until he let the pan sink to the bottom of the water. “Let’s go talk.”

Eugene looked over at the timer. On top of the stove was a baking pan lined with sliced bread covered in butter and garlic to put into the oven when the lasagna come out to rest. His eyes darted around the room, taking in everything there and the nearby dining room visible from the kitchen.

“The wine on ice.” Jordan opened the fridge. “The salad is ready. You got everything ready. Even the table is set and the candles are ready to go. Come on.” She pulled him to the living room.

“I just wanted everything good.” He explained as she leaned against him on the sofa. “You do so much. Making the food, cleaning house, everything. I thought I could do something.”

“It’s okay. You were working sixty and seventy hour weeks.”

Eugene looked down at his lap where his hands were gripped together. He still felt like he was shaking. “And now I’m not.”

“We have money saved. It’s okay.”

“I hate job hunting.” Eugene whispered.

“I know.” Jordan pulled her feet on the couch and leaned closer. Eugene wasn’t much for touching in public, but he would hold onto her at night.

Releasing his fists, his arm went around her, pulling her head into his shoulder. “I hate working…for people.”

“What happened?”

“Same as always.” He told her about trying to explain the juggling of priorities to the owner, the interruption and demands, and the end result of the budget. She responded with all the appropriate sighs and sympathies, asking questions to pull the teeth of the story.

After Eugene had finally wound down, Jordan asked, “Why do you think you have so much trouble?”

“People say they want precision and truth in their analysis, and they really don’t.”

“Well, do you think you could learn to say ‘yes’ or ‘no’? It would help soothe things.” She suggested, having run into the issue with him at home.

“I’ve tried.” He kissed her on the forehead. “But people think they are asking a yes or no question and they really aren’t. I’m an analyst; my job is to make certain the management has the tools to make an informed decision. I would not be doing my job if I didn’t make sure they understood the question they were really asking.”

“That kind of arrogance really puts the management on edge, hon.”

“I know.” He shrugged, bouncing her head a little. “But I just can’t be a ‘yes’ man. If you were management, shouldn’t you know what things really cost? Not just in money, but time and resources?”

“Yes, I guess so.” She changed position so she could watch his face better, putting her feet in his lap to keep physical contact he needed even if he wouldn’t admit the comfort of touch. “But don’t managers know how to ask the questions? After all they are the managers.”

“No, they don’t.”

“How so?”

“Well, they ask bad questions.” He started removing her shoes, looking pensively down while she tried to read the emotions on his frozen face.

“Okay, so give me an example.”

“They ask questions like, ‘Is the sky blue?’” He frowned at her slightly swollen ankles.

She worked museum and spent most of her day on her feet. They had met just over a year ago when he reported a display description was incorrect. He had been right to the annoyance of her management. Two things he excelled at, being right and being annoying. But he had paid for the new plaque, and then asked her out on a first date … a year ago today. How had he remember when she hadn’t? That had to be what the lasagna was about. She had remembered the day they had met two months ago, and he had gotten her flowers the next day as an apology. Guess he didn’t want to be caught out again on another anniversary.

“Yeeesss?” She stated the obvious answer to the question, not sure where he was going.

Eugene looked over at her, and his face finally unfroze enough for a twitch of a smile. “Except when it is not.” His hands wrapped her ankles and started massaging. “Is it blue right now?” He nodded at the picture window in the living room.

“Well, yes–no, it’s sunset. Wow, the sky is spectacular right now.”

“Yeah, in another hour it will be black. And then there are clouds, so the sky can be blue AND white, or just white, or gray if cloudy enough, even black. During tornadoes, it is green.” He glanced up at her again as his voice gained its usual cadence. “So, really, the sky is usually a color other than blue. It is black at least half the time for night, and may be any of a number of other of colors during the day. So, is the sky blue – yes or no?”

The alarm buzzed. Gently moving her feet, Eugene got up and went to the oven.

Standing up, she followed him into the kitchen. “I get it.” She watched as he pulled out the lasagna. “So questions like, ‘is the sun shining?’ really bug you.”

“Actually that one is a yes.” he said, putting the garlic bread in for a quick toast.

“What?”

“Is the sun shining? It is always yes.”

She sputtered a moment while he handed her the salad and dressings. “What about night?”

“Just because we can’t see it, does not stop the sun from shining.” Eugene’s brown eyes twinkled as he grinned.

Following him with the food, Jordan shook her head in disbelief as he placed the lasagna on the table. “Because it is a star. So for rhetorical type questions where people expect a yes-or-no answer, you can’t give one and ones where they really are asking a question about status about if it will rain soon, you give them a yes-or-no which really isn’t the answer to the question they were asking.”

He held out her seat, and she sat down.

“People don’t know how to ask questions.” He went back into the kitchen just as the garlic bread smell entered the dining room.

“You are a crazy analyst; you know that right?” Jordan yelled after him.

Bringing back the bread on a serving plate, he placed it on the table before grabbing her ponytail and pulling back her head then kissing her thoroughly. “Yes, and you love me.”

After she remembered how to breathe, she responded while he poured the wine, “Yes. Lord grant me patience, I do.”

“And I love you.” Eugene sat down across from her at the table. “Will you marry me?”

“Is that a yes-or-no question?” She smirked at him.

He burst out in true laughter for the first time in months. The job had been killing him inside-out. “Yes, it is a yes-or-no question.”

“Yes.”

THE END AND BEGINNING

(words 2,103 – first publication 1/31/2016)